Am I a Bad Friend?

Reflections on maintaining friendships in adulthood

Picture from the night I reconnected with my high school friend Hilena. Yes, that drink was delicious!

I recently reconnected with an old friend from high school who was here visiting for the first time in six years. Honestly, I hadn’t even realized that much time had passed. (ADHD time-blindness is real, okay?) I mean, I noticed that it felt like it had been a while since we’d seen each other, but it also felt like no time at all had passed. We had not had a real conversation in any of that time either; we’d just interacted with each other’s posts on social media. But as we caught each other up on what had been going on in our lives, it really stuck out to me how much of the story we miss when we rely mainly on social media to stay connected. In retrospect, this should have been obvious to me, since though I am an open book in real life, I am not someone who typically shares intimate details about my personal life online.

But the reason I decided to write about this is because that conversation also made me reflect on how my other close friends may experience my distance. She was initially hesitant to ask me personal questions, until I assured her that the time apart had not created any distance for me in our relationship. After that, the floodgates opened for both of us. We ended up hanging out and talking for hours the next day, too. I am really glad we had that time to connect. She’s also a creative, and if you’re a creative, you understand what it’s like to talk to someone who truly understands the way your inner world works. It’s unmatched. I didn’t realize how much I had missed her until then.

One of the things that also came up during our conversation was how we are navigating our relationships with parents who are aging, and all that comes with that. We both experienced a shift in our thirties that we felt no one had prepared us for. And this is not a topic my algorithm shows me people talking about often. Before we talked about it, I didn’t realize how lonely it felt to navigate some of what I’ve gone through without having anyone (besides my therapist) to talk about it with who could actually relate. That is the beauty of having deeply intimate relationships. We help each other carry our loads. But these relationships must also be intentionally nurtured.

I only have one friend who has expressed to me that she desires more frequent communication to feel connected, so I am intentional about being immediately responsive when she texts me. I also have another friend who isn’t on social media anymore, so I am intentional about reaching out to her pretty regularly, though we may still go weeks without checking in. I have another friend who also has ADHD and there are times when it may take her days to respond to a text. I never take it personally, though, because I get it. I guess I never really take it personally with most people in general, honestly (unless we’re dating. That’s an entirely different dynamic for me). Plus, I know the friends who aren’t the most responsive with texting will almost always pick up immediately if I call. I just tend to prefer texting.

No matter how much time passes, though, when we do connect, it’s always easy for me to pick right back up wherever we left off. It’s a quality I have always appreciated about all my close friendships, especially considering that many of us are also separated by distance. I am not usually the kind of friend who needs to talk to people every day to feel connected, so in most of my friendships, it’s not abnormal for me to go weeks or even months without direct contact. But it has now occurred to me that I may be unintentionally creating distance between myself and those I love the most.

Most of the people I consider to be my closest friends have known me since at least high school, some even before. So I don’t measure my friendships by frequency of contact, but by depth of intimacy. But is it fair to assume that’s true for them too? I suppose I believe that if any of my friends had an issue with my lack of communication, they would be honest with me about it. So maybe I’m just overthinking. It wouldn’t be the first time. I just can’t help but ruminate over how when you are young, it is impossible to anticipate the ways relationships change in adulthood. Most relationships in that phase of life require little effort to maintain. It’s exactly the opposite in adulthood.

If I’m being fully transparent, the thought of any of my friends wanting more from me than I am currently giving scares me a bit, too. Life often feels overwhelming for me because of all the things there are to do, constantly. But the thought of any of my friends not realizing how deeply I value our relationships doesn’t sit well either. And I do sometimes feel guilty about not showing up more frequently. It’s just that most of the time, I truly feel like I’m at capacity. Does that make me a bad friend?

I know that it is possible for me to set up systems to help me be more intentional about maintaining connections. I have found that a regularly scheduled check-in is usually the best option. But there’s also a part of me that craves the ease of spontaneity. Schedules are great, but they sometimes also feel stifling. There has to be a happy medium in there somewhere. I just don’t know what it is.

What I do know is that in navigating this season of my life with underemployment and moments that feel like stagnation towards my goals, my friends have supported me in ways I never imagined I would ever need. I’ve been forced to be vulnerable in ways that have stretched me uncomfortably. But they’ve made it worth it. The time we’ve spent together has been like a lifeline, helping to sustain me in some of the hardest moments. I may not reach out often, but I think about them all the time. I am so grateful for their presence in my life. So I hope they know just how much I love them.

If you have relationships that need a little nurturing, perhaps this is your sign to reach out. Nobody gets through this life alone. But everything is better when you have great friends. When life gets hectic, it can be easy to take those relationships for granted. So go ahead, send the person who’s been on your mind a message. Give them a call. Make the time. It’s worth it.

Love and light always,

Domi