Spooky Season Came Early
On ghosting, grief, and not spiraling
So I was recently ghosted. I was talking to this guy for a few weeks, we went on a date, I thought we were vibing, and then…nothing. Radio silence. I haven’t heard from him in weeks now, and I feel some type of way about it. I know this doesn’t faze some people. But for my little lovergirl heart, it’s highkey devastating (lol). This is not something I would normally publicize on the internet; there are many things I prefer to keep private. And there are already endless essays about the woes of modern dating. But since this blog is about living my life as authentically as I can, and because writing is part of my process for getting over it, I decided it made sense to share.
It never feels good to be ghosted. In fact, I think it is perhaps the most unkind way to let someone know you’re not interested. Because that’s the only thing it feels safe to assume – that the other person just isn’t interested anymore, but they didn’t care enough to let you know directly. Outside of a situation where harm has occurred or there are safety concerns, I hate that this practice has been so normalized. Why is it so hard to simply communicate if you’re no longer interested? I know it’s perhaps uncomfortable or even unpleasant, but it’s so insensitive. We are adults, after all. I can handle rejection; it’s harder to get past not knowing what happened. My brain keeps ruminating. But last night, I had what felt like an epiphany: it actually doesn’t matter why it happened. It only matters that it did.
See, the thing is, there are potentially a multitude of justifications the person I am perceiving as insensitive may have for why he stopped responding to me. And truly, I hope he’s doing okay. I wish him well. I mean, this is not the first time I’ve ever been ghosted. If you’re dating in this era and, especially, if you’ve tried dating apps, there’s a good chance you have either ghosted someone or been ghosted. It’s a common experience. I’ve even done it myself, and yes, I had my reasons. So yeah, the healed part of me can also hold grace. Multiple things can be and usually are true, even when they are contradictions.
Another thing that feels vulnerable for me to share: there’s grief involved in this, too. I mean we weren’t talking for long, but I’ve known him for a long time. I considered him to be a friend first. So who knows – maybe I’ll hear from him again at some point. I just know I won’t be reaching out in the foreseeable future. Because I feel like I was showing up honestly, if perhaps a little guarded. But I believe I was clear about my interest and I no longer feel like it’s being reciprocated. Not to sound flippant, but it is what it is, you know?
But I still had to sit with why I was feeling so anxious about it. So I journaled, and then I picked up a book I’ve been reading: The Five Levels of Attachment. As I was reading, that’s when it clicked – this desire to have an answer, to have “closure” is really motivated by the part of me carrying the wound from past experiences. The common thread in those experiences was that every time something didn’t turn out the way I’d hoped, I internalized that to mean there was something wrong with me. That I was not enough. And I realized those beliefs have shown up in a lot of my patterns in dating. Those patterns show up in other areas in my life, too. I’ve written about it before here. This is another example that demonstrates why people so often say that healing isn’t linear.
That deeply rooted negative belief that I must always be perfect to receive love and the need to be liked by others is really driven by the human desire for connection and intimacy with others. But for me, it has often manifested in ways that have caused me more harm than anything. Self-betrayal, people pleasing, bad decisions…When I think back, I’m just grateful that somebody’s prayers have been protecting me. And I truly believe every experience was necessary for my growth.
What I now understand is that things not working out is simply part of being human. It’s supposed to be part of dating, too. With dating in particular, the outcome is not something one person can control. The truth is you’re not going to be compatible with everyone. But I had to learn that it doesn’t necessitate a value judgment, nor does it need to determine how I view my worth. I am the only person who gets to decide that.
It is my choice and mine alone.
If you’ve read The Four Agreements, this is the equivalent of learning to not take things personally. It’s okay for someone to not like you. Feeling rejected is also valid, and it’s okay to acknowledge the hurt. That said, sometimes you need to get to a place of acceptance without trying to rationalize it. Sometimes rationalization is the way we avoid feeling our feelings. However, I think it can be useful when it helps you unpack them. You have to unpack them to get to acceptance.
If you’re a recovering people-pleaser, I want you to internalize this, so please repeat after me: It’s okay for people to not like me. It’s okay for people to not like you. And I’m not saying that you shouldn’t reflect when someone doesn’t or when something ends. But you don’t have to assume the worst. Assuming the worst is a choice. Don’t let your brain be your enemy. Sometimes, it’s really just not that deep. Sometimes it’s not even about you. And I know now that it doesn’t have to mean I’m not enough unless I choose to believe that. Now I’m aware I have that choice.
So this time I’m choosing something different. I’m choosing from the part of me that has been integrating as I’ve been doing the work. Therapy, journaling, reflection, reading, listening to podcasts…does any of it have value if I don’t apply what I’ve learned? Being ghosted sucks but life goes on. And like I said, I wish him well and hope he’s okay. Because this time, I’m not giving in to the wound’s attempt to lead me down a spiral. I already know how that story ends. It’s time to move on with a new one.
Love and light always,
Domi
P.S. I wrote a little poem after journaling the reflections that led to the post above. It’s also in honor of May being Mental Health Awareness Month. EEK I can’t believe I’m including it!
Cheers
Cheers to not letting
The intrusive thoughts win
Sometimes, my brain likes to play tricks
Not on purpose
It’s just wired that way